Musings of a Pansexual Muslim Stoner

by Fadwa Bahman

Ramadan just ended
Breathe it all in
The first breakfast in a month feels like a new chance at life
like I’ve put on rainbow-colored glasses
Sucked back into a version of reality where
I am sipping iced coffee from a glass jar on my balcony,
browsing a psychotherapy office in Westmount
Capitalism exists again
I want to be a part of society again
I can ingest and inhale again

Music feels like something from a better universe again
And my mind wanders
Gets lost in the meaning of things without meaning
Eager to obsess
Hungry to find and be found

I take a puff and revel in the contentment
If this is hell, why would you make me want it
Why would you make me want her?
Why would she feel like home?
Like everything about her was an epiphany.
She didn’t believe in you and I believed everything that came out of her mouth,
Even on nights when her mouth left me more awake than caffeine pills ever could

Ramadan just ended
Bring me blue eyes to stare into
To feel like I’m in a foreign movie
Picturesque, pale, hazy, muted-colors aesthetic
Immerse me in Vanilla and strawberries
When in their company, the farthest from home I am
Does it kill your fantasy when I open my exotic mouth to call out your ancestors?

Ramadan just ended
And I know that this time next year I’ll be ready for it
About a month before this time next year
I will be longing
for a hole
in the earth or the sky I promise I won’t be picky
where I can please cease to exist, please
the relief of there being no “me”

Ramadan just ended
Farewell my love
It is time to feast and to slowly, painfully
fall in love with death again
Though you should never doubt,
I will be waiting for you every year to rescue me from my own selfish daydreams.
Rescue me like the little good girl they all wish I was.